I am an Avatar

I read a story once about a guy who fell while rock climbing and broke his leg. He was alone and trapped. Somehow, he was able to free himself from the rocks he was stuck between and crawled miles to a road where he was rescued. He had no food or water and no way of communicating with the outside world but instead of losing hope, he pretended he was in a game. He gave himself small manageable tasks to do, one at a time, like a challenge or a quest in a game. If he failed, he just kept trying until he succeeded and didn’t think about what was at stake. Once he completed a task, he thought of another he could do. He never overwhelmed himself with the thought of the magnitude of his situation.

Sometimes I listen to real estate or self-help gurus who talk about making a plan and working the plan. They want to you think about where you want to be in 5 years or 10 years and then make a list of what you have to do to get there. I just can’t. Five years ago, I had no idea where I would be today and ten years ago, I was even more clueless. No one is guaranteed tomorrow so thinking I have years to get somewhere seems a bit presumptuous to me. I prefer the method used by the rock climbing survivor: turn your life into a game.

Instead of having a grand plan, I like to pretend I am outside myself, playing my life like an avatar in a game of Simms. What do I want to do today? I think of my options and what direction they will take me. Will it bring me closer to the life I want or further away? Sometimes I still choose to lay on the couch and watch videos instead of working but it’s an intentional choice. Thinking about my actions this way has helped remove the emotion and internal debates that flood my mind. I am able to treat myself the way would treat another person I care about. I’m less condemning and judging of myself when I consciously choose to eat a donut in the office instead of walking away and thinking about donuts all day.

I don’t know how long I will be able to maintain this game of gamifying my life but it’s working for now. Let me know if you have any tricks for getting things done without the negative internal dialogue. I’m interested to hear if anyone else pretends to be an avatar.

Why I Shouldn’t Be A Quilter

There are so many reasons I shouldn’t be a quilter. I am a minimalist. I hate clutter and hoards. I like being compact and efficient which is an impossibility with a quilting hobby. Fabric is the paint and limiting the stash is like limiting the color palette of art. There are neutrals used for backgrounds, dynamic prints that must be the star or cut into small enough pieces that they don’t dominate the piece, and blenders, fabrics that read as one color though they may have others in small amounts. Beyond the fabric are the tools of the trade: rulers, templates, patterns, clips, pins, scissors, rotary cutters, mats, and machines. I had to decide that enjoying the craft of sewing quilts warrants a departure from my minimalist ways.

Another reason I hesitated to begin quilting is because I like things to be perfect but I don’t have the discipline or patience to make things perfectly. I could make myself insane trying to make all my seams line up exactly and never sewing over the tip of a point. There are so many other ways I mentally torture myself and perfectionism in sewing is not going to be one of them. I decided that I will practice being good enough and that perspective has served me well. I am open to suggestions on simple ways to improve my craft but I cannot obsess over perfection. It will ruin me and result in fewer finished quilts.

Finally, I am an unlikely quilter because I am frugal and there is no way I can economically justify the amount of time and money I spend making quilts that I give away to people who have no idea how precious or expensive they are. Even if I tried, I couldn’t sell my wares for what it cost me. Quilting doesn’t make sense as a capitalistic endeavor but that doesn’t stop me because I enjoy the creative process and the time I spend at my sewing machine.

In a way, quilting has made me a better person. It’s made me more open to an expansive view of the world rather than a restrictive one. Minimalism has it’s place but it’s hard to be generous if you have nothing to share or give. Quilting has also allowed me to accept mistakes and imperfections. Practice improves accuracy over time and it’s important to enjoy the process of creating as much as the finished project. Finally, quilting has helped me to disconnect value from monetary measurements. Some things are priceless, like quilts.

September

For me, September is like a month-long New Year’s Day. It’s the start of a new (school) year. Long, lazy days of summer draw to a close and we return to the routines of a scheduled work week. It’s an opportunity to set goals, make changes, and be a new person, a better person. It’s chance to be the person you’ve always meant to be but somehow lost along the way.

It’s now October. September flew by entirely too quickly and I wasn’t able to do any of that stuff. I went on a vacation to Kauai, I stayed up late watching TikTok videos recapping episodes of Sister Wives, and I filmed numerous video tours of houses for clients that ultimately decided not to move. I am the same mess of a middle-aged woman as I was in August.

It’s not that I am disappointed in myself. I continually surprise myself with the level of patience, calm, and stability I am able to maintain when everything around me feels like an emotional hurricane trying to knock down the beach house that is my ego. It’s just that I want to stop tying my sense of self-worth to my level of perceived productivity, to stop caring what other people think of me, and give of myself freely and generously with no expectation of acknowledgement or reciprocity. I’m not there yet but I want to be. I know I would be better at loving other people if I really believed that the love I have already received is enough, but I am a love blackhole and it’s never enough (except for brief moments of joy when it is.)

A casual friend suggested I need therapy. She’s not wrong but…I won’t be talking to her about this stuff anymore. Instead I will write and in writing, I hope that I can encourage and support others who are also trying to be the best version and failing miserably. When I am dead, I know I will take nothing with me and the only thing of eternal value I will leave behind is the love I gave. I want to do that more and better than I do right now.

Today’s verse: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.